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(AP)  Hellmouth, AZ.  Mayor-elect Frank Pruner went on record yesterday opposing the City Council's decision to ban all gobo root sales in Hellmouth.  In an afternoon press conference, he derided the Council's timidity, and said that the toxicity levels of domestic gobo roots has not yet been firmly established. Mr. Pruner, himself a gobo root farmer, claimed that his position is in no way related to the fact that his chief source of income is the sale of dried and powdered gobo roots to Hellmouth markets and restaurants.
        The ban on gobo roots takes effect at once, and the Council has requested Sheriff Poppy Rosebud to enforce it vigorously.  “It's a matter of public health,” opined Council President Moses Lakewood, who has already been in touch with Dr. Jean-Jacques LeFebvre of the Equatorial Fruit Toxins Institute for his support. “The ban will remain in force until the big boys say it's safe,” chirped the pistol-packing sheriff, “and I'll be watching.”  So until then, Hellmouth residents will have to suffer the inconvenience of going to Pinkie's QuickShop just outside the city limits for all their gobo root needs.

OPINION Cont. from page 2.

Cercopithecus subterraneus?  Do you see what we mean?
        We have what we feel is a rather elegant solution to the difficulty which no one else has suggested, and which we have been proposing quietly for years and do so again now.  Simply ask the individuals in question just what they are. Has anyone ever tried this?  Perhaps this would lead to a clarification of the situation, and we here at the Nooz would not ever be faced with such unanswerable questions again.

  By Bill Measely, son of Sir Horton Measely
Editor's note:   After some brief adjustments and the purchase of a lifetime service contract, Sir Horton Measely's hydrogen laser spotlight is once again ready for duty. Bill Measely, Sir Horton's son, will operate the spotlight using special non-conducting gloves because of a slight short circuit problem it developed as we were preparing this feature.   But it should be safe, so stand
Hi!  Bill Measely here, son of Sir Horton Measely, the late inventor and former owner of the hydrogen laser spotlight which I, his son and heir, now own.  In this issue, the Nooz has given us a large subject to illuminate, so we best get right to it.  We are hoping that it will not put too much of a strain on the delicate mechanism of the spotlight, causing it to swing around without warning and burn people severely. Of course, the Amazon is a very large place, and even if we started a fire there, it could burn for months before anyone knew it, so we just won't worry about it.
        As the hot 1250° beams of the spotlight sweep across the apparently unbroken canopy of the ancient ant-strewn

   Programs on TV this month about the Amazon:

   “The Amazon: What Good Is It?”  NBC, July 18.
   “27 Ways To Prepare The Gobo Root.”  ABC, Jul. 22.
   “Nature: Creeping Croesus Monkeys of the Amazing    Ancient Amazon.”  PBS, July 29

Amazon, we begin to discern some minor irregularities in the terrain.  There's a small hill for example.  Over there is another small hill.  Now you can see a sluggish river.  Some trees.  Oh, there's another small hill.  If you look closely, you
(Cont. on page 4)   
  By Eric Scotmeister Fleiglehaus
Greetings from Urubupunga!  You probably don't even know where Urubupunga is, but that doesn't matter since I do, and I'm here.  So sit back in your favorite chair, kick off your shoes, grab a Guinness and enjoy, because this is my.....“Report from the Field.”
I arrived here last Friday at the Urubupunga Research Station deep in the heart of the ancient ant-strewn Amazon and I've been hard at work writing my “Report from the Field” ever since.  It was no mean feat getting here, I can tell you.  The roads are not exactly superhighways and my battery gave out a couple of times and I had several accidents, but then nothing in life is easy!  When I pulled up in front of the simple white, wooden headquarters building, I was met by the man I had come all this way to do my report on, Senhor Teófilo Afonso Rosario Sobradinho, South America's premier primate biologist, gobo root expert, and fellow Nooz Advisory Board member.  He took me over to the guest house and helped me get all my suitcases inside, and then, with large carved wooden mugs of jaragua wine in hand, we went on a tour of the Station.
        Urubupunga is situated on the wandering banks of the sluggish Carauari River in the state of Amazonas, where stately jaragua trees overhang the water and drop their fruit directly into the gaping mouths of hungry skipperjacks and giant mud turtles.  The tall forests around the Station are alive with jumping spider monkeys emitting their characteristic hroot-hroot calls while tiny leopard birds flit nervously from branch to branch.  After dinner, during which darkness fell with tropical suddenness over the ancient poison-filled Amazon and we feasted on some excellent baked boa, Senhor Sobradinho regaled me with stories of his poverty-stricken youth in the undernourished neighborhoods of Sao Paulo, then it was off to a comfortable cot and a good night's sleep.
        Saturday and Sunday I rested in the guest house and brought my “Report” up to date, and then on Monday I got ready to leave, having had a fantastic experience. Senhor Sobradinho's camp staff prepared a wonderful picnic lunch for me and also recharged my batteries and straightened a bent axle on my car.  At last, following a quick dip in the sluggish Carauari River, I was off and anxious to cable my “Report” back to the Nooz.
        That's about it for this issue.  I'm sure you all know a great deal more now about Urubupunga and Senhor Sobradinho than you did before.  Next time, I'll try to jump start my car and make it to the Kualakurun Primate Reserve on the mysteriously-shaped island of Borneo to meet the well-known Dutch primatologist Piet Mons Apeldoorn.  So until then, I'll just say “So long.”
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