Page Two
   “THE NOOZ
          VOICES ITS OPINION!”
          
        Several months ago as we were puttering about in our offices putting the final touches on yet another issue of the Nooz, dotting the last 'i's, crossing the final 't's, and making sure we had properly accented such strange foreign names as Teófilo and Oondóué M. Boué, there came a hesitant tapping at our door.  When we finally got around to opening it, we looked down to see a small, bespectacled schoolboy shyly clutching his notebook and bag.  “Excuse me,” he said almost in a whisper, “but can you tell me please how many species of macaques there are?”  Well, of course we couldn't, because no one agrees on how many there are, and that got us to thinking about the deplorable state of primate taxonomy.  And since we had this space to fill, we decided to write something about it.
        Now we've been vexed before at other things like illegal poaching and deforestation and the destruction of primate habitats, but there is no single subject that irks us more here at Primate Nooz than the constant bickering and squabbling that goes on without end over the generic, specific and/or subspecific status of this group or that.  What's worse, it is primarily the professionals who are most at fault, slinging mud at each other, doubting each other, casting aspersions on each other's manhood (or womanhood as the case may be), and simply overreacting.
        The problem arises because of the lack in all too many cases of firm information about the systematic classification of certain taxa.  A few simple examples should suffice to illustrate our point. Is the siamang hylobates or symphalangus?  Is the tarsier an anthropoid or a prosimian, or something else entirely?  Is Burblemeyer's marmoset a callitrichid or a callimiconid?  Are the slow loris and the really slow loris conspecific?  Is the flowery potto perodicticus or arctocebus or a third genus?  Are there two or three sub-species of the pouched langur Australis avunculus?  Is the jumping spider monkey ateles or a separate genera?  What about Gorilla gorilla newjerseyii and
  
(Cont. on page 3)   
 
DR. DICK DOODY ARRESTED FOR
FELONIOUS MONKEY-NAPPING
  
NOOZ NOTES
 

      It is absolutely not true as was reported in our sister publication PRIMATE LIFE that Dr. Dick Doody, Chief Surgeon (Suspended) of the Primate Pathology Dept. at Hellmouth Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility, has been arrested for felonious monkey-napping.  This piece of vulgar and scurrilous reportage appeared in the last issue of PL and is typical of the gutter journalism that has come to characterize that so-called 'newspaper.' Dr. Doody is at this very moment in his degree-lined Nooz office sharpening his pens and scalpels for the next edition of the “Cutting Corner,” one of our most popular features, and he has categorically denied ever napping any monkeys, either great apes or lesser primates.  So far, the editorial board of the Nooz is supporting the controversial doctor.

      Volunteers working on a block of dirty matrix in the paleontology laboratory at the Page Museum have uncovered the first direct evidence that there were indeed animals of some kind in the area of Los Angeles 30,000 to 40,000 years ago, according to our West Coast correspondent Mr. Christopher Shaw.  The evidence is in the form of two almost imperceptibly tiny fragments of bone-like material that were brought to light by Lab worker Myrtle Bisbee and that have been identified by eagle-eyed Lab Mom Shelley Cox as having the appearance of fossils.  “We are very excited about this,” Shaw quotes Ms. Cox as saying, “it's a great day for our dusty little museum.”

      The Matsushita Chopstick Co. has decided to discontinue as of next year all funding for Primate Nooz. According to its spokeperson, Kushimoto Nachikatsuura, the Nooz has been too extreme in its support of primates and of conservation in general, and too complacent about the desperate need for chopsticks.  “Who cares about those old rainforests anyway,” he said slyly, “to us they're just living chopsticks. We have to eat, don't we?”  The Nooz so far has withheld comment.
(UPI)  Hellmouth, AZ.  Dr. Dick Doody, Chief Surgeon (Suspended) of the Primate Pathology Department at Hellmouth Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility, has been arrested for felonious monkey-napping with intent to experiment, confidential sources told the Nooz this week. According to our anonymous inside contact at the Facility, Reeves Slaughterhouse, Doody was taken into custody at 1:02pm last Thursday at Joe's Not So Bad Cafe by Hellmouth Sheriff Poppy Rosebud, and charged with the willful abduction of anthropoid primates, a felony under Arizona statute 5081-1, para. 19.  Deputies who searched his garage found and confiscated three caged bluetails and a frilled indri. Doody was released on his own recognizance, with a court date still to be determined.

OHHOHOHO Cont. from page 1.

sluggish Carauari River in the state of Amazonas, not far from one of the largest wild gobo root plantations in the New World.  The Urubupunga region is also one of the few remaining viable habitats of the agile and oft reputed to be venomous jumping spider monkey, and thus it is an area rife with primates.
        When the Professor last disappeared, in 1972, it was into the African jungle with which he was much more familiar, and though the primatological world watched and waited with mounting concern, he eventually emerged from the tall trees, grinning and triumphant.  This time he may not be so fortunate.  An expedition is being organized to search for him, and the Nooz has already received a few offers of financial assistance which we will make available to Senhor Sobradinho.  Our new West Coast correspondent, Mr. Christopher Shaw, citing extensive experience in the Urubupunga region of the Amazon, has expressed an interest in joining the team, but stated that he had to wait for his Arrowhead water delivery and would be unable to leave until next week at the earliest.
        Senhor Sobradinho reported that the only trace of Professor Ohhohoho was a slim trail of gobo root husks leading into the forest.  “He didn't even have his coffee that morning,” said the grieving Brazilian.  “We just have to find him before it's too late.”
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