Page Three
 
He found a couple of flash tubes, some gas coils that still worked, and an optical pump, and he was off and running.  Within a week that first model was able to illuminate a picnic area in Runnamuck State Park all the way from Hellmouth, with only two small brush fires as an unfortunate side effect. It was clear to all of us, especially to me, that Dad,
Sir Horton, was on the track of something.  Later,
he got the Nobel Prize for finding a black hole in
the Newark, N.J. Bulk Mail Center.  When he died
as a direct result of being burned severely by the
spotlight, it was put up for auction and sold to
some Japanese businessmen, but they couldn't
make the payments so I was able to get it back.
Now, years later, we have almost worked out all
the bugs, and the little problems that continue to
nag us, the minor scrapes and pinched fingers, the
tendency of the spotlight to swing around without
warning and burn people severely, and so on, are
more of a nuisance than anything else.
      Many people have asked me as they see me
wheeling the heavy spotlight around the Nooz
offices just how it works.  To put it simply, the
operation of the hydrogen laser spotlight is based
on the fundamental theory of the molecule.  Every
molecule in the universe is pretty much like a
warehouse of energy, with rows and rows and
rows and rows of atoms stacked all the way up to
the ceiling.  But when you try to pack too many
atoms too close together, they get all excited and
start glowing, and this is how laser light is
produced.  The extreme power of the hydrogen
laser spotlight enables it to illuminate vast areas in
distant countries or focus on the tiniest pinhead.
The Nooz stays in constant contact with the fire
departments of the countries which the spotlight
is aimed at, just to be on the safe side.
      At the moment, the hydrogen laser spotlight is
being refurbished at Hellmouth Small Appliance
Repair and having a few modifications done.  The
technician there has promised that it will be ready
in about a month.  Some thirty days from now, the
atmosphere will be in a good position to align the
spotlight on the scarred, eroded, ecologically
ravaged and ruined countrside of Madagascar,
and we very much hope to be able to take
advantage of this rare, only eight times a year
happening.
 
  WOW, BOYS AND GIRLS!!  DID YOU EVER THINK THERE WAS SO MUCH TO KNOW ABOUT THE MIGHTY HYDROGEN LASER SPOTLIGHT?  THIS ARTICLE WAS LIKE A PHYSICS LESSON!  YOU MIGHT EVEN GET CREDIT FOR READING IT.  ASK YOUR SCIENCE OR PRIMATOLOGY TEACHER. WOW!  
 
FREE PUBLIC LECTURE
  Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho, Primate Nooz
roving correspondent and well-known author of Mitsuo's Monkeys, will appear in a free public lecture on Friday evening at the Holy Friends Hall, 8pm.  The professor was found only recently after having been lost in the hellish ant-strewn Amazon for the past eight months, and it is about that experience that he will no doubt speak.  On Saturday, he will address the large docent group at the Hellmouth Municipal Zoo and Exotic Animal Crematorium, and also the Primatology Club at Sigsbee Junior Night College.		  
Editor's note: “WHAT IS...?” is a semi-regular feature of
Primate Nooz which is aimed at some of our younger
readers and in which we ask different people in the field
of primatology major “What is” questions and watch
them wiggle on the hook as they try to respond.  In this
issue, we are lucky to have with us Bill Measely, son of
the late Sir Horton Measely, inventor and former owner
of the hydrogen laser spotlight.  Although Bill is not
sensu stricto a primatologist, he is nevertheless happy
to have this opportunity to explain just what the
hydrogen laser is and what it is not, and also to dispel a
few nasty rumors about it.  Bill's own Nooz feature,
“Spotlight on the World,” is on hiatus right now but will
probably be back in the next issue.
 
 
By
Bill Measely, son of Sir Horton Measely
  
     The hydrogen laser spotlight is a spotlight unlike
any other spotlight I have ever seen or heard about.  It's
so different that you'd be amazed how anyone could
think that it bears any resemblance at all to other
spotlights.  The hydrogen laser spotlight has about as
much in common with ordinary spotlights as the aye-
aye does with the aye-aye-aye.  When my father, Sir
Horton, first invented the hydrogen laser spotlight, it
was the only one in the United States.  In fact, it was the
only one in the world, according to the U.S. Patent
Office, although something like it was twice developed
and then discarded in Hungary during the 1930's, and
several Chinese scientists were working on a nitrogen
laser spotlight as early as 1937.  There are even a few
military historians who believe that the real cause of
World War II may have been the hydrogen laser
spotlight and its potential uses for good and not-
so-good.
      As I was saying, the hydrogen laser spotlight is a
spotlight differing fundamentally from other spotlights,
different in design, different in operation, and different
in function.  If you were to place the hydrogen laser
spotlight next to an ordinary spotlight, you would
immediately notice the many discongruities.  It would
be obvious to you as intelligent people how totally
dissimilar in look and feel most other spotlights are in
comparison to the hydrogen laser spotlight.  The
hydrogen laser spotlight is the only one that measures
beam temperatures in degrees up to 1250°, and it's still
the only one with its own completely self-contained
inertial guidance and radar-tracking system, invented by
my dad, Sir Horton.  It is the only spotlight among the
many available to have been factory retrofitted with the
latest state-of-the-art Measely Ground Instability
Detection and Avoidance microchip, and it is the only
spotlight you will ever see that has the inscribed words
“Hydrogen Laser Spotlight” on a brass plaque bolted
proudly right next to the horizontal control wheel.
      The first model of the hydrogen laser spotlight was
cobbled together in our garage out of pieces of smaller
spotlights and some old lasers Dad had lying around.
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