Page Four
 
1989
The Year in Review
  
 
May of the Suriname Lumpers and Splitters Society
over who should be invited.  Centripetal and
centrifugal forces have been threatening to tear apart
this peculiar organization since its inception.  In June,
the primatological world was swept with rumors that
monkey fur had been been found to have substantial
restorative powers, and before the hot fires of greed
could be dampened, over 2,500 simians of various
species had received involuntary haircuts.  Primate
Nooz offered to donate a free raincoat to any chilly
victims of one of these dastardly hair raids.
      We here in Hellmouth were pleased by two stories
in July that told us there is still hope.  First, there was
the decision of Burger Giant to turn its parking lot at
the Manaus franchise back to its original pristine
rainforest condition, and second, there was the
announcement by Fruit, Inc. that they will henceforth
have only native monkeys picking their fruit.
      In August, the docent group from the Hellmouth
Municipal Zoo and Exotic Animal Crematorium toured
the scarred, eroded, ecologically ravaged and ruined
landscape of Madagascar on a search for those
pitifully few prosimians who have managed to cling
tenaciously to a precarious existence despite the
almost complete destruction of their environment, and
returned with quite a positive report.  The month of
September will be forever marked by the disastrous
event hat took place at the International Plummeting
Competition held at Kualakurun Primate Reserve.
Despite the vociferous objections of the tall and
lanky Dutch primatologist Piet Mons Apeldoorn, the
BLUETONGUE MACAQUES went ahead with their
first-ever group plummet that resulted in nineteen of
them going to monkey heaven.
(Cont. on page 5)            
     Well, it was another bad year.  The last stand of
tropical rainforest in Runnamuck State Park was
destroyed in a fire caused by a Teasdale Corp.
logging project, approximately 6,253 potential cancer-
treating plants went extinct in one small section of
Badongo-Gazimbi alone, Hellmouth Mayor John
Barnesworth Beazleton died of gobo root poisoning,
and the Miss African Primate Pageant was marred by
an ugly episode of name calling, but aside from that it
has not been much better.
      1989 began with a bang as the backfiring exhausts
of the Cross Jujube Great Ape Auto Rally in January
disturbed the peace of decent citizens for miles
around.  The winner was a burly GIANT PYGMY
CHIMPANZEE from Togobogo.  The Callitrichidae
Family Reunion took place in February at the Rio de
Janeiro Holiday Inn, and the generally high tone of
the festivities was lowered somewhat by a fight that
broke out between a TIGHT-LIPPED MARMOSET
and a BLUEBLOODED TAMARIN over which one
was the most prolific.
      In March, the fig was rated the #1 all-time most
popular fruit in a weeklong poll conducted jointly by
the Academie Republique Gabonaise and Sigsbee
Junior Night College.  April brought welcome news as
the plight of the world's smallest habitat became
recognized at last when the government of Bali-Bali
granted legal protection to Poso-Luwak Primate Park,
a beautiful area of unspoiled forest about 1/35th of a
hectare and just chock full of primates.
      There was a falling out at the annual meeting in
 
 
REPORT FROM THE FIELD
By Eric Scotmeister Fleiglehaus		 Greetings from Ipululu!  You probably don't even know where Ipululu is, but that doesn't matter since I do, and I'm here.  So sit back in your favorite chair, kick off your shoes, grab a Guinness and enjoy, because this is my.....“Report from the Field.”
    I arrived here last Saturday at the Ipululu Primate Conservation Center deep in the heart of the dark, tree-infested, and nearly impenetrable Ugugwu Forest of Tanzania, and I've been hard at work writing my “Report from the Field” ever since.  As usual, getting here was not the simple matter that I had been led to believe it would be.  For one thing, I was forced to use my old car again because NO ONE was willing to buy it from me, and for another thing, it broke down again!  They don't have too many garages in the Ugugwu Forest, so I had to hire a pair of bullocks to pull me, my car and my suitcases the rest of the way to Ipululu.  That took a week.  Do you know what it's like to be behind a pair of bullocks for a week?  HAVE YOU GOT ANY IDEA OF WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE BEHIND A PAIR OF BULLOCKS FOR A WEEK??
      Anyway, I finally got to Ipululu and introduced myself to Dr. Watanabe Kibombo, who is Professor Emeritas at Antananarivo University and resident director here at the Center.  Unfortunately, through NO FAULT OF MINE, it seems I had arrived at a rather bad moment.  The Professor had just broken a large ceramic display model of a toilet claw he had been showing to a friend, and its shattered shards lay about the room like confetti.  He was naturally quite despondent about it, and even though it was only 6 o'clock, he went right to bed without further conversation.  I was left to put the bullocks away by myself, haul my suitcases into the guest hut by myself, and rig my own mosquito net, something I have not often had to do. A packet of stale Jujube crackers and a box of raisinettes took the edge off my hunger, and as it grew steadily darker and darker, I fell asleep listening to the sounds of chirping rubberneck guenons in the trees behind the Center.
      The next day he recovered somewhat and took me out to the forest to see some toilet claw marks.  He showed me a tiny scrape which he said had been left by a yellow-bellied galago, and several very faint indentations which he identified as characteristic of the lesser Ugugwu potto.  Then it was back to camp to inspect his prize collection of toilet claw fossils.  That night he grew morose again, one moment ranting about the toilet claw model he had broken, the next sulking moodily.  Frankly, he was no fun to be with.  He refused to say anything about his theory that the toiet claw is the key to primate evolution, and I was not sorry to be leaving early the next morning in a camp jeep under my normal deadline to post my “Report.”
      That's about it for this issue.  I think it boils down to this.  If you want to know about toilet claws, Kibombo's your man.  But if you want a friend, forget it!  Next time, I plan to break in to Monkey Island Prison in South Africa to interview the notorious and evil-looking Commandant Dr. Oudtshoorn Grootegraaf. So until then, I'll just say “So long.”
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