Page Five
 

YEAR IN REVIEW Cont. from page 4.

      The first all-primate amusement park opened in
early November with such immediately popular
attractions as the Haunted Forest, the Tunnel of
Brachiation, and a roller coaster called the Giant
Banana, but the year turned sour at the end
because of the rift at the Great Apes and Lesser
Primates Dinner in December over the apes' suit
against the barbary macaques to prevent them
from using the term 'barbary ape.'  The great apes
ended up in one dining room and the all the lesser
primates in another.
      In summary, we can only say that things are
bad and getting worse, so from all of us to all of
you out there, we wish you Happy Foraging in
1990.
 
  With Dr. Dick Doody, M.D., Chief Surgeon (Suspended) in the Primate Pathology Dept. at the Hellmouth Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility.  


Dear Dr. Doody,
      I really like your feature, “Dr. Doody's Cutting
Corner,” and all my friends do too. It's very
popular in my area.  We always read it first when
we get the Nooz.  I just wish it were in every issue!
I don't have anything that needs cutting right
now, but when I do I'll call you.  What was the
number again?
A. Faithful Reader

Dear 'Faithful,'
      Thanks for your support.  It's always nice to
get letters from people such as yourself.  That
number is 1-800-SURGERY.  Tape it to your
telephone and inside your medicine chest.  Call
now, but don't be surprised if you can't get
through at first.  My phones are busy night and
day.

Dear Dr. Doody,
      I've been reading Primate Nooz for a long time,
and I've always considered it to be pretty trashy,
but your feature, “Dr. Doody's Cutting Corner,” is
something new.  It's absolutely the first good
thing those guys have done in about 25 years as
far as I'm concerned.  Keep it up.  Maybe you
could start your own magazine.
Bill W.

Dear 'Bill,'
      I appreciate your comments, and I'll think about
that magazine idea.

Dear Dr. Doody,
      My trouble is that I can leap but I can't cling.
This leads to no end of orthopedic problems since
I usually fall and injure myself quite severely.  I
have to climb down and expose myself on the
ground before I can climb up another tree.  What
should I do?
Mixed-up in Madagascar

Dear 'Mixed,'
      Of course, I'd have to have a peek at you, and I
don't see too well at night, but I'm sure there's
some cutting I could do that would alleviate the
problem. In cases like these I normally inspect the
muscles of the hand, like the interossei dorsales or
the flexor tendons, but the difficulty could lie in
the lumbricales also.  Call my nurse when she gets
back from vacation next year and make an
appointment. And if you can't wait that long, you
might see my assistant, Reeves Slaughterhouse.
He's a pretty good cutter too, but he's still got a
few things to learn.
NOOZ:  Hello?
Caller:  Hello?
NOOZ:  Hello?
Caller:  This is Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho calling.
NOOZ:  Hello?
Caller:  Can you hear me?
NOOZ:  What was that?
Caller:  I said this is Mitsuo Ohhohoho.
NOOZ:  Hello, this is the Nooz Phone.  Is there someone
there?
Caller:  THIS IS MITSUO OHHOHOHO! CAN'T YOU
HEAR ME?
NOOZ:  Well, why didn't you say so?
Caller:  I've been saying so. What's the matter with you?
NOOZ:  Don't get snippy.  Now what do you want?
Caller:  This is my first opportunity to call the Nooz
Phone since I was found recently in the poison-filled
basin of the ancient, ant-strewn Amazon.
NOOZ:  Congratulations.
Caller:  I guess most people have heard of me by now....
NOOZ:  Uh-huh.
Caller:  ....and are rushing to the stores to buy my book
The Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho Primate Identification
Book and African Jungle Survival Guide...
NOOZ:  Uh-huh.
Caller:  .....and my second book My Life With the Macaques....
NOOZ:  What did you call about?
Caller:  .....and my third book Mitsuo's Monkeys.
NOOZ:  Did you have some reason for calling, or are
you just trying to plug your books.
Caller:  Have you heard about my fourth book?
NOOZ:  No, I'm sure we haven't.
Caller:  It's called Lost in the Hellish Amazon.
NOOZ:  Sounds great.  Send us a copy and we'll get
someone to review it.
Caller:  I'm writing another book right now.
NOOZ:  Terrific.
Caller:  I don't want to tell you what it's about though.
NOOZ:  Uh-huh.
Caller:  Well, that's about all I wanted to say.
NOOZ:  What about the charge that you faked that
whole disappearance thing to hype your books?
Caller:  I didn't want to talk about that.  I told your
screener I wouldn't talk about that.  You SAID YOU
WOULDN'T ASK ME ABOUT THAT!!  NOW HERE
YOU ARE ASKING ME ABOUT IT!!??!
NOOZ:  Calm down, Professor.  Just take it easy, OK?
   (PAUSE)
Caller:  So do you want to hear about my latest book?
NOOZ:  Sure.
Caller:  Well, it's about ....
NOOZ:  What's that?
Caller:  .....
   (At this point the tape that was recording the Nooz
   Phone conversation broke and there was not another
   one handy. -Ed.
 
 

NOTICENOTICENOTICENOTICENOTICENOTICE

There is still time to apply for the next Summer Session at Sigsbee Junior Night College. Classes offered in the Primatology Dept. will include:

    Advanced Vertical Clinging and Leaping
    Foraging Techniques for the Handicapped
    Foraging Techniques for Everyone Else
    Remedial Brachiation
    Use of Such Specializations as the Prehensile Tail,        the Sacchulated Stomach, the Ischial Callosity and        the Toilet Claw
    Introductory Burrowing (Bluetails only)
    Historical Survey of Knucklewalking
    Seminar on Toxic Vegetation
    Tool Use (Open to great apes and any lesser        primates who can meet the prerequisites)

Classes run June 13th-August 15th.  Contact the Registrar, Sigsbee Junior Night College, 320 Vine St., Hellmouth, AZ.  DEADLINE: April 3rd.

 
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