Vol. 89,  No. 7
Hellmouth, Arizona
Nov. 10, 1989

  ACCIDENTAL FREEZING OF
  WIN WING WAN SHOCKS CITY!
        Dawn broke last Tuesday like an old bottle of blackstrap molasses over the muddy Horntoad River valley and the dusty and disorganized town of Hellmouth, Arizona, where the night before residents had gone to bed thinking about how good they were going to feel in the morning, but woke up instead to learn of the death by cryogenic freezing of Mr. Win Wing Wan, longtime Nooz contributor and editor in charge of the 'Recommended Reading' section, whose wet and partially-thawed corpse was discovered about 7:45am by a janitor at the Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility.  “It was awful,” said Rudyard Pipley, 52, “he was just lying there in one of the cryosurgery theaters melting all over the floor.”
        The details are still somewhat unclear, but Reeves Slaughterhouse, Dr. Dick Doody's assistant and until recently thought to be one of the Facility's sharpest young anesthetists, told the Nooz from a secluded location on Wednesday that it had all been a dreadful mistake, and might or might not have involved a Snickers bar.  He refused to deny or confirm the rumor that Dr. Doody, Chief Surgeon (Suspended), might have had something to do with the incident.  “I can't believe that anyone could suspect him of such a thing,” the youthful medical school graduate chirped nervously to hardened and unsmiling Nooz reporters Hugh Underhouse and Millicent Milliwell.  “Win Wing Wan has Chinaman's Elbow, you know?” he said enigmatically.  “That's what it was all about.”  Dr. Doody regrettably could not be reached for comment and was presumed to be at home working on the next edition of his popular Nooz feature, “Dr. Doody's Cutting Corner.”
        Win Wing Wan came to Hellmouth from Beijing's Thousand Uplifting Sentiments Zoo, where he was fired as Director in February of last year for allowing Wu Shi, the world's only 3000-year old gorilla, to expire.  Before that he had done research with
(Cont. on page 2)   
 

 POACHERS TAKE LAST TWO
 BORNEAN SULKY TARSIERS

(Reuters)  Balikpapan, Indonesian Borneo.  International wildlife authorities last week made significant progress in their attempt to be just that much closer to coming near to actually closing in on or at least finding something out about the person or persons who may or may not be behind or have some knowledge of the recent string of primate poachings that has puzzled the police on three continents. Unfortunately, the last two remaining Bornean sulky tarsiers disappeared on Thursday night while out for a bit of vertical clinging and leaping, and are presumed to have been poached.
        The pair of rare sulky tarsiers, Tarsius irritatus, was confirmed as the last of its species by Bidwell and MacCown's balloon survey of Bornean wildlife in 1983. They had been frequently written about as though already extinct, which had caused them to be even sulkier than normal.  A spokesman for the Malagasy Extinct Lemur Society stated that “Although there are no extant or extinct tarsiers on Madagascar, we welcome the sulky tarsier into that more general fraternity of extinct species, of which the Malagasy Extinct Lemur Society is but a small part.”  The Nooz has sent a telegram of condolence.

 

    PRIMATOLOGY CONFERENCE
    THROWN INTO AN UPROAR

(UPI)  Burunamieh, Bali-Bali.  Tables were over-turned and primates scattered for cover on Saturday at the Biannual Conference of the Primatological Association of Bali-Bali, held at the Burunamieh Holiday Inn.  The conference was thrown into a turmoil over the question of whether siamangs should be considered as the greatest of the lesser apes, or the least of the great apes.  Two winking martindales and a rubberneck guenon were injured in the melee, and several really slow lorises were evicted for hooliganism.

 
 Primate Nooz is published every month and twice  on Sunday in alternate presidential election years  by the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation,  Dr. Peter Pan Troglodytes, President-in-Chief.  Copies are shipped to every major zoo and animal  testing facility in the U.S. and air-dropped over  much of Africa, Asia and South America (except  for Costa Rica).  Back issues may sometimes be  obtained by writing to: Primate Nooz, c/o Jim  Scuttle at Hellmouth Small Appliance Repair,  Hellmouth, Arizona.
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