Page Three

       The apparent poaching of the last two Bornean sulky tarsiers came as a shock to the tall and lanky Dutch primatologist Piet Mons Apeldoorn since the pair of rare primates had resided in his Kualakurun Primate Reserve for the past seven years.  He had been out with them only the day before, trying to get them to drink some oilberry beer, and he had not noticed anything suspicious.  He told the Nooz that he had heard about another pair in a small village approximately 87km away, and he had hoped to get the four together.  Those plans are now on indefinite hold, and indeed there seems to be some question as to whether the other pair even exists.

        Thanks to the monumental efforts of Bornean naturalist Pik Poket, there is soon to be a general reorganization of higher wildlife on the island.  As far as primates are concerned, gibbons and orangutans will be located in the southwest corner, langurs and macaques will be moved to an area in East Borneo, and all proboscis monkeys will be rounded up and sent to West Borneo, where proboscis monkeys are now extinct.  The King of Broonay has complained that they will have no primates, but almost all of the Bornean bearded pigs.  Work has already begun on redesigning their future habitats with the idea of making them easier to clean.  No word has been received yet on where the tarsiers will end up.

        Cleanup has been completed at the site of the collapsed Nooz building, and a prominent Hellmouth architectural firm is designing our new headquarters, which should be completed sometime next year.

Editor's note: “WHAT IS...?” is a semi-regular feature of Primate Nooz which is aimed at some of our younger readers and in which we ask different people in the field of primatology major “What is” questions and then watch them closely to see if they blink. In this issue we are lucky to have with us our very own Dr. Dick Doody, Chief Surgeon (Suspended).  We can assure you kids that Dr. Doody is not a man who blinks, and he sees everything you're doing, so you'd better be careful.  And listen up!

Dr. Dick Doody
Chief Surgeon (Suspended)

Who cares what Chinaman's Elbow is? There's lots of oriental elbow problems. Nipponese Elbow.  Korean Elbow.  Some can be fixed and some can't.  I'm not going to waste my time explaining something like this to a bunch of damn kids.  I've got more important things to do.  The next edition of “Dr. Doody's Cutting Corner” needs work. I have to fight my suspension as Chief Surgeon in the Primate Pathology Department of the Hellmouth Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility.  Win Wing Wan's family has brought a wrongful death suit against me.  So get off my back about this Chinaman's Elbow business.  I mean it! Beat it!
    By Eric Scotmeister Fleiglehaus
Greetings from Nosy-Varinda!  You probably don't even know where Nosy-Varinda is, but that doesn't matter since I do, and I'm here.  So sit back in your favorite chair, kick off your shoes, grab a Guinness and enjoy, because this is my.....“Report from the Field.”
I arrived here on Tuesday at the Nosy-Varinda Nature Reserve deep in the heart of the scarred, eroded, ecologically ravaged and ruined countryside of Madagascar, and I've been hard at work writing my “Report from the Field” ever since.  Getting here was almost impossible because the bridge that I had been assured connected Madagascar and the mainland does not exist, and my car developed the automotive equivalent of AIDS in Antananarivo.  I lost my fuel pump, fan belt, front shocks, rear shocks, radio, wipers, turn signals and cigarette lighter.  Then someone hit me from behind, proving once again that nothing in life is easy.  Since there were no garages, I was forced to hire a taxi to carry me and my suitcases the rest of the way to Nosy-Varinda, but when I got there I was sure glad I had, because Dr. Ambato Ambilobe, Dean of Primatology at the much-respected Antananarivo University, was waiting for me with a hot Madagascar toddy.  As we sipped the thin, bittersweet liquid and listened to the eerie sound of giant mouse lemurs hoot-panting in the distance, Dr. Ambilobe began to describe his controversial work with the aye-aye-aye, that most mysterious and hard to understand of all the so-called prosimians.
        He had just gotten to the part about the greatly reduced dentition when there was a tremendous crashing noise and a bulldozer burst through the rear wall of the house. It belonged to one of the logging companies and its driver had apparently been told to clear the entire area.  Dr. Ambilobe told the man that this is a nature reserve and he was to stop bulldozing at once!  The driver said he could delay it for a couple of days, but he advised the Professor to get it straightened out right away with higher authorities. Early Wednesday morning my head was still spinning from Madagascar toddies and stories about aye-aye-ayes and bulldozer fumes.  As I was trying to sleep, I heard the camp Land Rover roaring past the guest hut.  It was Dr. Ambilobe going to see the Parks Director in Antananarivo.  He was gone until Friday, during which time I had only one phone conversation with him.  He stated that the aye-aye-aye is definitely not related to the aye-aye, a matter that had puzzled me for years.  By the time he returned, I was preparing to depart, anxious as always to post my “Report.”
        That's about it for this issue.  I guess you know all you need to know now about Nosy-Varinda and the mysterious aye-aye-aye.  Anyway, next time I'm going to have my car completely rebuilt and try to make it to the green and unruly forests of northern Bali-Bali, scene of the current search efforts for Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho.  So until then, I'll just say “So long.”
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