Vol. 102,  No. 1
Hellmouth, Arizona
Feb. 10,  2002

“NOT
JUST
FOR
MONKEYS”


        In a sudden and stunning press release issued only yesterday, Dr. Peter Pan Troglodytes announced the immediate termination of the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale's ownership and management of the Primate Nooz.   The Nooz, which has been closed since August, 1993, has been sold lock, stock and water coolers to the Kashihara Takeshitahara Corporation of Japan for the sum of ¥2950, and with this issue resumes publication.  Employees who were concerned about having to move to the Orient were relieved to learn that the international headquarters of the Takeshitahara Corporation is instead relocating to Hellmouth, where it plans to build a major primate research center on the piece of vacant land next to the Old Tire Reclaiming Yards.  Mr. Kashihara Takeshitahara, brother of famed Japanese primate specialist and rice carving expert Takeshi Takeshitahara, intends to exercise close and direct control over the Primate Nooz, but will permit publisher Arnett Putney, III and executive editor Widen Lundale, Jr. to resume their positions for the time being, subject to satisfactory sales in Japan.
        The Takeshitahara Corporation, makers of small motor scooters, microwave televisions, energy coils for refrigerators, and nitrogen laser spotlights, thus moves to consolidate its status as the leading corporate owner of primate newspapers in the world, and will add Primate Nooz and its two sister publications Primate Week and PRIMATE LIFE to its journalistic stable, which currently includes Monkey World (Singapore), Junior Ape Magazine (Osaka), Simian Society Times (Bonn), and Chimp Digest (New York).  Also under the aegis of the Takeshitahara Corporation are the Obihiro Monkey Museum on Hokkaido, the Blue Snowmonkey Reserve on Kyushu, the Federal Institute of Advanced Simian Studies outside of Kobe, and the Takeshi Takeshitahara Memorial Rice Carving Foundation.
        Primatology reporting has been very popular in Japan over the past couple of decades.  Several cities like Osaka, Yokohama, Hiroshi, and of course, Tokyo, have primatology newspapers, and the Japanese National Television System has its own Primate Study Network, with such shows as “Monkeys of Japan,” “Koko Climbs Mt. Fuji,” and “Samurai Simian.”  It is to be hoped that some of these shows will eventually be imported into the U.S.  In the meantime, Hellmouth residents are becoming more and more accustomed to seeing Japanese faces in Joe's Not So Bad Cafe and at the ShopAlot, and Gratiano Bros. Meat Market has promised to introduce sushi.

 * PRIMATE NOOZ PURCHASED BY TAKESHITAHARA CORPORATION!

 
 ELECTRICAL FAILURE BLACKS OUT
 MAN AND MAMMAL MUSEUM
 
  PRIMATE FOUND HIDING
  INSIDE KING TUT'S TOMB
(Reuters)  Cairo, Egypt.  A living primate has been discovered hiding inside King Tut's Tomb, and has apparently been there for some time, according to Professor Wahat Al-Qahirah of the prestigious Mahallah Institute of Monkey Science.  The dazed primate appeared to be of a unknown species, although it has been now suggested that it may be related in some way to the Sudanese blacknose gelada Theropithecus nasonegras.  Dr. Al-Qahirah was studying the tomb's primate inscriptions, when he heard a queer sound coming from a previously undiscovered chamber adjacent to the one he was working in, and when he broke through the wall, there it was.  “It was just looking at me,” he said.
 
  Primate Nooz is published on all Shinto holidays
  by the  Kashihara Takeshitahara Corporation of
  Japan, Kashihara Takeshitahara, CEO and
  General Manager.  Copies are shipped to every
  major zoo and animal testing facility in the U.S.
  and Japan, and e-mailed to much of Africa, Asia
  and South America (except Costa Rica).  Back
  issues may be requested by writing to:  Primate
  Nooz,  c/o Nobikoku Nanatsu's Noodle Parlor,
  Hellmouth, Arizona, or by going onto the world
  wide web at:  www.webnooz/backissues.
(AP)  Cheesequake, AZ.  Curators twiddled their thumbs and lab assistants ran wild on Monday last as a massive electrical failure darkened the dusty halls of the Man and Mammal Museum in downtown Cheesequake.  The time clock read 10:15 when the power went out.  The janitor's power polisher seized up like a fat man with a chicken bone caught in his throat.  The shrill catcalls of nervous museum visitors gradually gave way to an eerie quiet.
      The Museum's automated security system activated at once and trapped a group of touring fourth graders in the Hall of Extinction, where several animatronic sifakas in mid- leap crashed to the marble floor. The windowless Prosimian Room was plunged into utter darkness, frightening a pair of Museum guards who were forced to seek refuge behind the skeleton of the giant mouse lemur.
      An hour passed before emergency lighting began to cast a surrealist glow over the new Primates of Central Bosnia exhibit.  Employees whispered and wondered, and moved slowly, like fish over a coral reef.  The sounds of crazed administrators could be heard in the background, along with the soft persistent murmuring of counselors trying to calm them down.  One grizzled museum veteran who asked to remain anonymous said it was the worst that had happened since a shipment of bees broke open during the 1947 heat wave.  The Museum reopened later in the day after power had been restored, but several irate Runnamuckians swore they would never visit it again.
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