Page Two
Every decade or so, the Nooz puts down its felt-tips and pauses in its busy schedule to take stock of its own situation and assess its position both in the community in which it resides and in the larger primate community that stretches from the cloudy and fault-ridden Makanza Mountains of Gabon to the dense mangrove-choked swamp forests of Borneo, from the poison-filled basin of the ancient ant-strewn Amazon to the scarred, eroded, ecologically ravaged and ruined countryside of Madagascar, and from the dark, tree-infested and nearly impenetrable Ugugwu Highlands of Tanzania to the salty southwest coast of Ireland.  Such a reevaluation was prompted last week by events in both spheres, the receipt of a letter from Central America carping about our distribution system, and the ugly and uncalled-for protest march in Hellmouth.
          We feel that we have done almost as much as the next person to promote the cause of primates, and so, as the giant, well-oiled presses of the Nooz ground to a stop, the staff gathered in obvious pride around the water cooler and the loose paperclip bin to discuss just what we have accomplished.  We were instrumental in popularizing the Malagasy Extinct Lemur Society, we were able to keep Lou's House of Leaves from going into bankruptcy, we established the 'Raincoats for Primates' program, we shipped copies of the Nooz to every major zoo and animal testing facility in the U.S. and had it air-dropped over much of Africa, Asia and South America, and we exposed the truth about the imitation leaf scandals and the fake fig fiasco.
          Just who do these people think they are to mewl and criticize, a ragged bunch of surly and undisciplined malcontents, probably in the employ of the Ralph A. Bennett Teasdale Corporation. We're plenty ticked off, I can tell you!  But we have to put that behind us now, take a deep breath and get the presses rolling again, and look to the future.  Happy reading!

UFO CRASHES cont. from p. 1.

blueblooded tamarins, macaroons, really slow lorises, pig-nosed macaques, aye-aye-ayes, and antique orangutans. The centerpiece of the alleged alien zoo, he claimed, was a mummified sulky tarsier, whose small, furry, large-eyed body was generally muscade and/or sennet in color and weighed 120g. or 4.25oz.
      Professor Ohhohoho hypothesized that the animals had been captured either for some wierd experiment or to resupply some presumably primate-impoverished planet, but unfortunately there is not a shred of evidence to prove that the downed UFO actually existed. When a team of investigators arrived from the Los Angeles County Museum of Unnatural History, all that remained was a charred and flattened patch of dead swampy vegetation, a few pieces of tin foil, and some broken Ibounzi vines.


(UPI)  Hellmouth, AZ.  The uproar caused by last week's noisy protest against the Primate Nooz was heightened today by the tragic death of Arnold, the Nooz mascot. Arnold was one of only 232 aye-aye-ayes left in the U.S., having come to Arizona from somewhere near Madagascar in 1971.  His strangely-dessicated body was found at the back door of Lou's House of Leaves, and an autopsy performed by Dr. Dick Doody, Chief Surgeon in the Primate Pathology Department at Hellmouth Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility, indicated that he died of an overdose of toxic vegetation.  However, an anonymous tipster pointed the finger of blame squarely at Dr. Doody himself. “He's the one what did it,” said the husky-voiced caller, “he dried him out real good.” The Nooz stated that it does not know who the caller was, but promised to reveal any information it uncovers as soon as it becomes available.


     Primate Nooz is pleased to announce the appointment of Mr. Vijay Ahmadnagar of Hellmouth to the position of official monkey catcher for the city of Bhawanipatna, India.  Mr. Ahmadnagar has a degree in primatology from Hinderabad University, and formerly was an ink spreader on the Nooz staff.  He will be leaving Hellmouth next month, and we wish him well in his new job.

      It has come to our attention that an orangutan at Beijing's Thousand Uplifting Sentiments Zoo has given birth to a human infant.  The baby weighed 5lbs 2oz. and was 13 inches long.  No one at the zoo was able to explain how this happened. Mother and child are reportedly doing fine.

      The head of an elderly French fiddler monkey at the Hellmouth Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility was accidentally severed during an operation recently when the surgeon needed a snack and prematurely reached for a Snickers bar.  However, the animal is being kept alive and still has a bright future, according to Dr. Dick Doody of the Primate Pathology Dept.

      Confidential sources have revealed to us that Mr. George Jefferson of the Page Museum will be leaving his post in January to take over the Primate Pathology Department of the Hellmouth Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility, while Dr. Doody will be replacing him as the Assistant Curator of the Page Museum. Dr. Doody will bring with him extensive surgical expertise, and a few good stories about life in Hellmouth.  It remains to be seen what will happen to his Nooz feature, Dr. Doody's Cutting Corner.

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