Page Three
With Dr. Dick Doody, M.D., Chief Surgeon in the Primate Pathology Dept., Hellmouth Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility.

Dear Dr. Doody,
    I am a colobine of the proboscis persuasion. My problem is as plain as the nose on my face. In fact, it is the nose on my face.  To make a long story shorter, that's what I'd like to do to my snout.  The long and the short of it (rather more the former than the latter) is that I've been ostracized from my group because of a schnoz the size of a durian.  What can I do?
Nick 'the Nose'

Dear 'Nose',
    I suggest considering nose reduction surgery. Such procedures have allowed many unhappy proboscids to resume an active social life.  You will also find that with a lighter nose, you will be able to get around in the canopy better. And remember, proboscis noses, like reptiles, keep on growing throughout your lifetime, so the problem will only get worse if you don't act now.  Give us a call today, or tomorrow.

Dear Dr. Doody,
    I am a roseate baboon, and my problem is that when I come into estrus, I swell up like a you-know-what.  Now I generally don't mind gossip, but it bugs me having having everyone (especially the males) knowing my business. They follow me night and day, sniffing and trying to mate.  It's disgusting!  Do you have any advice for me?

Dear Muffy,
    You're in luck!  There is now a somewhat painless procedure that I recommend in cases like yours. It's called surgery. After a brief postop period, you will probably be able to sit down almost normally, and no one will butt into your affairs again. Don't delay.

“Sexual Dimorphism in the 1990's - How Will It Affect You?” by J. Wilkerson Tottingham.

“Avoiding Adaptive Radiation Through Surgery,” by Dr. Dick Doody of the Primate Pathology Department, Hellmouth Human Diseases and Primate Testing Facility.

“Spotlight on Borneo” by Bill Measely, son of Sir Horton Measely, inventor of the hydrogen laser spotlight.

Editor's Note: “WHAT IS...?” is a semi-regular feature of Primate Nooz which is aimed at some of our younger readers and in which we ask different people in the field of primatology major “What is” questions.  In this issue, it is our exceptional good fortune to be the beneficiaries of the expertise of Dr. Thomas L. Harrison, who has published numerous articles and childrens' stories about orangutans and gorillas, and many other important-sounding papers. So buckle your seatbelts kids, because here we go with another in this groundbreaking series.
Dr. Thomas L. Harrison
Harvard University Primate Behavior Research Group

      The orangutan is a large, reddish, ofttimes surly and ubsiguous animal that is completely unrelated to the tarsier. It is characterized by a glabrous throat pouch capable of infrensic vocalizations, prethenial limb joints, and many distended distal hypoglotes, and frequently displays a trapitular or at the very least fascitory mephitesis.  Not surprisingly, the cranium is exigual, lacking brow ridges as in the giant pygmy chimpanzee and the white-kneed gorilla, with retragible curved orbits and a marked spenosis of the maxillary phondyle.
       It has been reported that orangutans, like reptiles, continue growing for as long as they live, but it seems clear that only uncomplicated people still believe this rainforest myth.  Even though no reliable estimate as to their usual lifespan or size has yet been attained, Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho has measured the degree of ossification of the stenium in zoo specimens of known age, and has been able to state unequivocally in his The Professor Mitsuo Ohhohoho Primate Identification Book and African Jungle Survival Guide that they almost certainly grow to be quite large and live a long time.
       The “Orang Utan,” which means 'large, reddish, ofttimes surly and ubsiguous animal' in primitive Malay, presently inhabits the dense mangrove-choked swamp forests and the even denser mosquito-ridden inland forests of such peculiarly-shaped Southeast Asian islands as Borneo, Sumatra and Bali-Bali.  The antique Chinese orangutans which existed in some numbers in the vicinity of Gwu-zhou all opted to live in zoos several years ago.
       The orangutan customarily spends its day in the forest breaking trees.  Since there are a lot of trees in these forests, the orangutan has a big job to do.  Females and sub-adults are often content to break only branches, while the older, more andrigeal males break whole trees.  Most individuals also like to eat and take an occasional nap. Orangutans are particularly partial to swamps, and in fact were once known as the 'man of the swamp.'  Many popular swamp fruits were discovered because orangutans threw them down to the ground to eat later.


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